It's Official

More or less, anyway... I haven't touched this blog in almost a year. It's crazy how much a year can really effect a person. College brought me closer to myself; I journaled most every day, accounting one interesting observation after another... somehow I veered from that personality though. Somehow I left myself behind. I don't regret my recent past, but it is nice to know that I'm growing out of the person that I became.

The point is that I not only left myself, but first I left God- an act that doesn't begin to affect you until you find yourself in a helpless and lonely state. I guess I thought that I "figured" things out. Became more "independent," or so to speak anyways. I thought that I had climbed some mountain of knowledge and to revert back to faith? Well, that would only be back-tracking, right?

Wrong.

Who are we by nature anyhow? Inter-dependent. 2 is always better than one, even if the other one is a spirit. I mean, who are we to think that we have it figured out? If one claims to have all the answers but is dead inside, would you still believe him to be right? The man of little faith has crooked answers.You see, we as humans have no excuse not to be happy, to live abundantly, to be joyous. Is that not our God-given right?

I guess I don't really know where I intend to go with this. I suppose I'm letting the message speak for itself.

Should I give a word of advice? I guess to follow your intuition. I've come to find that it's a voice that is not my own.



The joy that once filled your eyes
Was reflected by your writing

My heart breaks for you

To know that so much beauty, creativity, and expression resides in you,
My God, and to see you turn your cheek to it
Is the saddest mechanism
You use
In defense

For truth?
For logic?

Untie those ropes that which choke you
And that blindfold you claim to keep you
"Busy"

Never have I felt such strong compulsions
To seek out happiness for another being

I cannot explain this love
It is neither pocessive
Nor Jealous
Its quest is guidence
Perhaps a longing for such a companionship
That I've yet to achieve
Earthly, anyway

Is this strictly my design?
A fallacy of mind?

What drives this ambition?
God, are you my intuition?

What is love?

It involves relationships.

Giving and receiving.

Why are they important?

I had a conversation just now with my friend about this--

Me

why don't you do relationships? just curious

2:01pmHim

ummm well I just enjoy the company of others :)

what else is there to do

2:02pmMe

hahahahaha

2:02pmHim

I mean tell me why I should have a relationship

lets have a debate hahahaha

2:03pmMe

haha

okay well i think relationships can allow for stability. they can give anyone a sense of faithfulness and what it means to trust. relationships give value to what it really means to love and commit. it's the true definition of spirituality, because the love given is also received, like a cycle. it's reliable and accepting. open to flaws and ready to forgive. relationships create understanding with how people work and how you yourself functions also. they're good because you can practice loving- the most important thing there is, really.

2:07pmHim

I need a girlfreind

Is it a girlfriend that he needs?

Does God take the form of lovers?

Is that a gift he bestows upon us to learn somehow, someway love and what it's really made of?

I was thinking this morning about myself, and came up with this poem--

Given the opportunity

To sit and contemplate

As the birds chirp

And the wind blows.

I’ve noticed that the life that surrounds me isn’t so complicated.

Within this messy head of mine,

Amongst the scattered thoughts

And conflicting feelings,

Is a gateway, a sweeper.

A place to cleanse the bad and rejuvenate the good.

And a door to open a virgin, baptized, forgiven, and prepared to live life as it is:

Unguarded,

Undefined.

Just in sync and in tune.

May sound like some kumbaya hoopla, but it came to me.

Blessings

The world is filled with them.

• Simple blessings
• Complex blessings

• Romantic blessings
• Platonic blessings

• Perfect blessings
• Twisted blessings

• Inexplicable blessings
• Undeniable blessings

Today, I got an unexpected message from someone I haven't seen in years. It's funny how some things can seem to be a waste of time.

This blog being one of them.

Not that I thought I was entirely wasting my time, but who honestly and faithfully reads an 18 year-old's blog? And who in this generation is really all that interested in hearing the 'everyday battle between good and evil'?

Sometimes, my blog just feels like a repetition of problems that I may just need to get over or maybe even accept that I can't change.

Summer doesn't exactly make anything easier, I can tell you that. Having graduated also doesn't necessarily draw a teenager to the church pew to worship the Almighty. It doesn't make you want to jump up and down and thank the Good Lord that you made it this far.

Don't get me wrong, I know some people who are like this.

But for people more on my level, those balancing submission and freedom on a high-wire, you feel more inclined to take advantage of the fact that you're going to leave this place... Forever.

So finish out with a bang, right?

I haven't been partying or anything, but I certainly haven't focused my energy on the Lord as much as I should, have, need or even want to.

So back to my thoughts on this blog: It's been almost two months and I've yet to touch it. I don't get comments much and, if I'm hanging out with someone, they don't start out the conversation with "Hey, you're blog is really awesome. I'm so glad you've been writing in it. The Lord is definitely working through you to reach out to the people of this generation."

I mean, if I got that all the time, you'd get a new entry at least twice a day.

But I don't. So who am I writing to if no one even scans this blog?

No one.

I'm not upset. I haven't pouted about it. I just didn't think it was something that was doing anything, so I didn't really care to continue it. If I felt inspired to write, I would. Otherwise, I'd be elsewhere. You know, taking advantage of the summer air before the fall comes and nothing is the same again.

But this girl that doesn't even live in Georgia anymore messaged me today, telling me that MY BLOG has really helped her get through things about herself and helped her grow in her faith.

What??? I made an impact??? No....

But the world is full of blessings. Plant your seed; give what you got. You never know what the Lord might make of you.

What are We Waiting for? A Burning Bush?

I've been extremely convicted of a lack of faith in God. Not only that, but in my trust as well. I realized the other day, as I was driving home from school, that I was expecting a "burning bush" type of experience in my lifetime. I sat there, baffled at the irony of the fact that the Lord himself says that he speaks in whispers. Like in the story of Elijah, when he listens for the Lord in earthquakes and mountains, but only hears him when the noise subsides.

Are we waiting for a burning bush?


11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake:

12 And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

13 And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, "What doest thou here, Elijah?" 2nd Kings 11-13

I've been feeling pretty lost spiritually, and I wasn't sure what I was doing calling myself a Christian due to the way that I've been thinking, acting, and behaving.

So last night, I said a prayer.
I told God that I was ready to submit myself to Him. I told Him that I was tired of trying to run my life and that I wanted Him to mold me to be the person that I'm meant to be.

I've been reading Crazy Love, and today the chapter I'm in was addressing faith and trust in the Lord. And I know for a fact that I lack in these two BIG characteristics. "Be firm in your faith," the Lord has been telling me, and ultimately stating also that "faith without works is dead." The Lord already knows that I can't go by faith alone in this journey.

So I continued reading, and Francis (the author) is saying that we need to take baby steps towards obeying God. First, submit to your conscience, and that will take away A LOT of the confusion. Second, ACT on it.

So my first step? Taking this kid named Sean to his mom's office at work.

Basically, I contain major issues in my control. Pretty much meaning that I don't have any. I try to control what I cannot. I think it's safe to say that I'm really sick of trying to make myself feel better by doing things out of the reasoning that "I'm just not good enough." That's fruitless and only bears lies and deceit.

What I'm getting at is that I'm being reminded that The Lord's got my back. With that being said, He has yours as well. The Lord spoke to me today, but you could just as easily put your name where mine is and take something from it:


"Lauren, you know that as far as the east is from the west, So is my range of love for you. I am protecting you daily and nourishing you zealously. You need not worry about money concerning this trip (I was thinking about Haiti at the time). Don't you know who I am? I am God, Lover and creator of all things. All earthly and spiritual things. The chair that you're sitting in is MY design and those thoughts in your head are a part of MY heart as well. Lauren, I am SO jealous for you! Why can't you see the beautiful girl that I have crafted so intricately? Why must you insist to merely ATTEMPT to perfect MY already perfect creation? I will handle Haiti. I will handle your future. Your inquiry bears fruit and you are growing and pleasing me more and more. I love to see your beautiful face light up. I love it because you are cherishing my gift. You are using your life as it was intended to be used. Do you not fathom my power yet? Can you not see that what is inexplicable is 1st grade math for me-- if that??? Lauren, I want you to love those that you're struggling to embrace. Know that I am with you. Have confidence that I am God, Maker of the Universe. Always know that, and I will take care of the rest."

So what are we waiting for? A burning bush? Perhaps we are the burning bush. We just have to get there progressively. Like a staircase. Or something.

It's About Time...

...To return to my faithful blog.

So many things have happened.

I went to Lynette's fashion show last night in the CAU gym. I feel about 30% cooler than I did before I came. I had an awesome conversation with her boyfriend, Nick, on the way there. Who knew that there were so many different kinds of people in the World? And for that matter, in Lilburn?! Sometimes I feel like people are hopeless... Then I realize that I'm just being naive... To everyone that may think that they'll "never find someone who understands them" or "a future spouse": Remember the saying "There's plenty of fish in the sea"? That saying is unbelievibly comforting and true. So don't be so pessimistic. Try being... Hm, I don't' know, patient? There are PLENTY of fishies in the sea... More than you probably want. Just branch out, leave your comfort zone. You'll be surprised where that takes you.

I guess I'll be going in reversed order with the things that I have been up to.

So, I got my nails (mani/pedi) done on Thursday for PROM 2010! Very exciting. I love being pampered. Who wouldn't?

Wednesday, I took pictures for the Grace Volunteer Luau. I thought that there would be about 30 people there.
There were about 1500 people present.
Mostly children under 8.
I had fun. :)

Tuesday was house church. I had wanted to go to KSU for transition, but it's so far away... Only about 4 months and I'll be chillin' on campus. :D

I'll skip Monday. It was iight.

AND SO, MIDTOWN on Sunday night! It was GLORIOUS! I went with Emilee. It was both of our first time. The message was powerful and the worship was blissful. The Lord is invading my heart. Though, isn't he always? I need to address that more. When I'm dry, I'M dry, not Him. Silly me. Silly us.

Forget my name.

Forget my age.

All that strays away-

Covered in veins and bones of ashen,

How different are we anyway?

My clothes, my hair, my skin, my face-

Distractions all too many.

Let’s cast down these masks and reveal ourselves.

Our similarities are much too plenty.

Strip the world of its abundant skins,

And see it how it was born.

Its purity and nakedness

Is beautiful, but slightly torn.

Strung away from what made what,

Everything was analogous.

Taken from it its sovereignty,

The world was swiftly powerless.

TMTH (From the great Danny Noriega of AI... Stands for "Too Much To Handle"

Some people put themselves through hardship. Without the Lord, we're all just spinning circles, constantly searching for everything but never finding anything.

It seems that I have stripped it from its meaning and ultimately lost the feeling, leaving nothing but an object laid out in front of me- left here to digest intricately and logically and only to obtain an information of sorts; but left me, unwillingly, back to the longing personality that I am so doomed to foresee and completely give in to.

Forgive me.

I am young and naive.

I have gone back and forth with even the decision to stay or to leave. It is ludicrous and even positively-- negative. Patiently, I should wait, but how can one do so deliberately? As if they can truly believe, but it is just that that they cannot achieve…

Or maybe it is just me. It is my struggle to be the slightest bit human and to love freely and openly-- as if to part the waves in a violent and troubled sea...

Some things are just too much to handle. Lighten up that burden. Destroy those false beliefs. Break those habits that break you down.

I am So Frustrated

Take this life for instance-

My heart throbs and bleeds passion, but my words are at a halt.

Of what do I have to blame?

This personality is hungry for something that simply isn’t.

Is it not?

A pessimist’s words are as monotonous as a lecture on biology-

Am I dissecting an issue to an insignificant degree?

Am I digesting unneeded and unnecessary information?

Lord, I am hungry for something that isn’t advertised on T.V.

I am starved for something that isn’t sugarcoated with extra drama,

Or even placated into a “happily Ever After” ending.

I am craving a pure experience.

I am longing for a longing for something.

I am in need for a purpose to fight.

I am in need for an outcome, a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take me there.

I see failures

On the streets,

In the halls,

And in the mirror.

I only see perfection in books.

I only see perfection when I don’t look at all.

And when I see no flaws, it is always only in You.

Strip me of my pride.

Spare me my faulty insecurities.

I am yours.

Though, I am also human-

Overtaken by desire and indulgences

And unfair conditions I am forced to deal with.

I am drowning in a sea of desire.

I am choking on the water of lust.

I yearn for ½ of you only so that I may stay sane.

Lord, but I hurt without you.

I see in black and white without your beauty.

I am a soldier, already too scared and tired to continue.

Am I too weak to wait?

Patience is far too hard a battle to fight when you’re on a different field.

Spring Break is dangerous. People feel like they have to rebel just to have fun. Ugh, even I fell into that fruitless hole. I'm spent, done, whatever...
I'm going to KSU today. I'm so excited.